Sometimes your mind and your body don’t seem to be having the same experience.
You can want someone and not become physically aroused.
You can be incredibly turned on and suddenly lose an erection.
You can be completely engaged in what’s happening and notice that your lubrication has changed.
You can even have a physical response to something you don’t actually want.
And that can be confusing.
Because we often treat physical arousal as evidence.
If my body responds, I must want this.
If their body isn’t responding, they must not be enjoying this.
If my body was responding and then stopped, something must have changed.
But bodies are more complicated than that.
Desire, arousal, pleasure and physical response are connected, but they aren’t interchangeable.
Sometimes they line up beautifully.
Sometimes they don’t.
And when they don’t, it can be tempting to start looking for an explanation.
What’s wrong with me?
Are they still attracted to me?
Why isn’t this working?
Maybe nothing is wrong.
Bodies respond to stress, hormones, medication, fatigue, stimulation, distraction, comfort, age and countless other things. Sometimes we can identify the reason.
Sometimes we can’t.
What our bodies do can give us information about what we’re experiencing, but they don’t get to tell the entire story.
An erection isn’t consent.
Lubrication isn’t consent.
A lack of either isn’t proof that desire has disappeared.
And orgasm isn’t the only evidence that something felt good.
Our bodies can participate in our sexuality without always perfectly translating it.
Maybe instead of asking:
“Why isn’t my body doing what it’s supposed to?”
we can become curious about a different question:
“What am I actually experiencing right now?”
🌷 A Question to Carry With You
How much meaning do you place on physical arousal when deciding whether you or your partner is enjoying an intimate experience?
Want to explore this further?
Intimate Bonds offers intimacy and connection coaching for people who want to better understand their desire, pleasure, bodies and intimate relationships.
Connection is the foundation. Intimacy is the expression.